*gingerly knocks on your front door, my suitcase clutched in one hand and my other poised to knock again* C’mon, open up, it’s getting dark and creepy…*dons my most beaming smile as you finally open the front door* Hiiiiiiiiiiii! Oh gosh, aren’t you just a sight for sore eyes. You are looking so damn gorgeous today. Not that you don’t usually. You are, in fact, the most beautiful person I have ever encountered in my life, both inside and out. Forget what I said about Illium, it’s totally you and- *sees your raised eyebrow and what-do-you-want face* Am I going overboard? Ha. Yeah. Sorry. Um. So…shall we be housemates!? Think about it. We’d have such a good time! Movie nights, pamper sessions with face masks and nail painting…plus, most importantly, I won’t be teleported around the globe against my will every time you have a goddamn date. If I just, I don’t know, stayed here it would make my life so, so much easier. You could just say “Yo, Jazz. Date tonight. Be ready in an hour?” and I could, like, not end up in ropy bars in my PJs or smack bang in the middle of New York in a bath towel? Haha. Am I rambling? *sees the confused look on your face* Excellent! *pushes past you and steps into your house* So we’re in agreement then? Ooo fancy place you got here. Where’s my room? Where’s the fridge? I’ll need a spare cupboard for my teabags too. Do you have a bath? I also brought my guinea pig. Can he have his own room? Do you have any pets?
Two hours and much negotiating later
*gently sips tea and nods my head in a sage-like manner* Yes, I completely agree. Being just friends with both Elena and Raphael is probably best. Those two rascals are psycho magnets. You’d be dead within a week. So you’ve opted to take Dev for a test drive, eh? A mysterious, slightly overbearing vampire lord might be just what you’re looking for *checks time* You say he’s picking you up in half an hour? Well, I best get cracking *clears throat* Date nights with Dev will probably/definitely include:
- Dev revealing some deep, dark family secret of yours in the bluntest way imaginable.
- Dev deciding that you’re his Moira [fated one] moments after meeting you…probably before you’ve even had chance to say “Hi!”.
- You feeling awkward as Dev slips into a brooding state of silence, his thoughts trapped somewhere in his traumatic past.
- Dev flashing you to a fancy restaurant and spending a shit ton of cash. Starers, mains, desserts, a cheese board, coffee, cocktails…you name it, you’ll get it.
- Giselle (which I always accidentally pronounce as ‘gazelle’) throwing you dirty looks and practically snarling whenever you find yourself in her immediate vicinity.
- Playing pool with the guys while Dev glares at them menacingly from a chair in the corner. Despite being an overly-muscly, tall, dark and handsome, immortal vampire lord, Dev suffers with a lot of insecurity. Throw him a reassuring smile every now and then, yeah?
- Keeping your ass safely out of Dev’s reach.
- Wondering if Dev knows your actual name when he calls you ‘love’ for the thousandth time.
- Dev trying to make you a late night snack but failing miserably. Rest in peace, sweet Leo, almighty butler and maker of delicious food *bows head and lets a single tear trickle down my face*
- Dev deciding at the end of the date that you actually now belong to him and probably shouldn’t go home. Just a heads up, he’ll try call it ‘protective custody’.
*door bell sounds* Ah that must be him *smiles contently and leans back in your armchair* Have fun! Tell me all about if…I mean, when you get home *blows you a kiss and picks up one of your magazines*
I swoon over fictional men... 