*gingerly knocks on your front door, my suitcase clutched in one hand and my other poised to knock again* C’mon, open up, it’s getting dark and creepy…*dons my most beaming smile as you finally open the front door* Hiiiiiiiiiiii! Oh gosh, aren’t you just a sight for sore eyes. You are looking so damn gorgeous today. Not that you don’t usually. You are, in fact, the most beautiful person I have ever encountered in my life, both inside and out. Forget what I said about Illium, it’s totally you and- *sees your raised eyebrow and what-do-you-want face* Am I going overboard? Ha. Yeah. Sorry. Um. So…shall we be housemates!? Think about it. We’d have such a good time! Movie nights, pamper sessions with face masks and nail painting…plus, most importantly, I won’t be teleported around the globe against my will every time you have a goddamn date. If I just, I don’t know, stayed here it would make my life so, so much easier. You could just say “Yo, Jazz. Date tonight. Be ready in an hour?” and I could, like, not end up in ropy bars in my PJs or smack bang in the middle of New York in a bath towel? Haha. Am I rambling? *sees the confused look on your face* Excellent! *pushes past you and steps into your house* So we’re in agreement then? Ooo fancy place you got here. Where’s my room? Where’s the fridge? I’ll need a spare cupboard for my teabags too. Do you have a bath? I also brought my guinea pig. Can he have his own room? Do you have any pets?

Two hours and much negotiating later

*gently sips tea and nods my head in a sage-like manner* Yes, I completely agree. Being just friends with both Elena and Raphael is probably best. Those two rascals are psycho magnets. You’d be dead within a week. So you’ve opted to take Dev for a test drive, eh? A mysterious, slightly overbearing vampire lord might be just what you’re looking for *checks time* You say he’s picking you up in half an hour? Well, I best get cracking *clears throat* Date nights with Dev will probably/definitely include:

  1. Dev revealing some deep, dark family secret of yours in the bluntest way imaginable.
  2. Dev deciding that you’re his Moira [fated one] moments after meeting you…probably before you’ve even had chance to say “Hi!”.
  3. You feeling awkward as Dev slips into a brooding state of silence, his thoughts trapped somewhere in his traumatic past.
  4. Dev flashing you to a fancy restaurant and spending a shit ton of cash. Starers, mains, desserts, a cheese board, coffee, cocktails…you name it, you’ll get it.
  5. Giselle (which I always accidentally pronounce as ‘gazelle’) throwing you dirty looks and practically snarling whenever you find yourself in her immediate vicinity.
  6. Playing pool with the guys while Dev glares at them menacingly from a chair in the corner. Despite being an overly-muscly, tall, dark and handsome, immortal vampire lord, Dev suffers with a lot of insecurity. Throw him a reassuring smile every now and then, yeah?
  7. Keeping your ass safely out of Dev’s reach.
  8. Wondering if Dev knows your actual name when he calls you ‘love’ for the thousandth time.
  9. Dev trying to make you a late night snack but failing miserably. Rest in peace, sweet Leo, almighty butler and maker of delicious food *bows head and lets a single tear trickle down my face*
  10. Dev deciding at the end of the date that you actually now belong to him and probably shouldn’t go home. Just a heads up, he’ll try call it ‘protective custody’.

*door bell sounds* Ah that must be him *smiles contently and leans back in your armchair* Have fun! Tell me all about if…I mean, when you get home *blows you a kiss and picks up one of your magazines*