I swoon over fictional men


Date nights

Date Night with Gideon; Date Night feature, one off special!


Be sure to check out my review for The Darkest Lie here

*hesitantly knocks on your front door* Be calm, be cool, be collec- *door swings open* Oh heeeeeeeeeeey…long time no see, right? *laughs nervously* So, erm, I swoon over fictional men HQ told me things didn’t work out with the other matchmaker? Everyone else is on call so they’ve sent me… *feels the intensity of your glare* Look, okay. I’m sorry about the whole Rydstrom thing…yeah, yeah. I’m sure you two would have made a great couple. Yeeeeeah, I can totally just see you going on weekend camping trips and eating the skinned carcasses of the animals he’d catch for dinner *flinches as you shout* Yeah, yeah, I get why you’re angry, I am a vegetarian after all so even I wouldn’t do that but how could I resist!? He’s a demon king for crying out loud! There’s not many people, men and women alike, who wouldn’t want to leap into his lap with one glance and give those horns a lick!

Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, we didn’t even make it onto a second date. He’s shacked up with Sabine, Queen of Illusions now so how about we brush our little quarrel over Rydstrom under the carpet and have a cup of tea? We both got one date out of him so that’s something, right?

*five minutes later* So, Gideon, hm? *sips tea* One of the Lords of the Underworld…they’re an interesting bunch of girls and guys, to say the least. Most of their significant others started off as their prisoners…

Anyway, he’s gonna be here in, like *checks phone* twenty so let’s get you set for what is quite possibly gonna be the most interesting date you’ve ever had. Date nights with Gideon will probably/definitely include:

  1. Gideon arriving and gazing at you with a big grin on his face while he tells you how awful you look and how your outfit doesn’t bring out the colour of your eyes.
  2. Going to a restaurant and Gideon telling the waiter everything he doesn’t want to eat.
  3. Choking on some food when Gideon announces that he wants to kill you.
  4. Gideon, alarmed, passing you his drink and assuring you it’s water and telling you to gulp it quickly.
  5. Spewing the drink everywhere when you realize it’s neat vodka (seriously, who the fuck drinks neat vodka?)
  6. Heading back to the fortress for a movie sesh.
  7. Gideon telling you that he doesn’t want to watch an action or horror and definitely wants to watch a sad drama.
  8. Being horrified when Gideon laughs hysterically when the dog in the movie dies.
  9. Gideon, smiling sweetly, waiting outside with you for your taxi and telling you how he doesn’t want to see you again.
  10. Being confused as you make your way home and wondering if all the Lords are that strange…
tenor (2)
You every time Gideon speaks

Have fun and don’t take anything to heart! He’s a sweet boy really!



Date nights with Rydstrom


Check out my review for Kiss of a Demon King here!

*reading back through my 7654 pages of notes detailing your impossible amount of dates* Sweet mother of God, gods, yep. Vampire princes, uh-huh. Dragon shifters? Hmm. I think so…but a king? Nope. Not had one of those yet.

And *sinks into a chair, my knees weak with lust* Not just any king. King Rydstrom, one half of the delectable duo that is the Woede *shudders* If you don’t want him at the end of the night, can you drop him off at my bedroom door? *slaps my own hand* Jazz. Get a bloody grip! 

Anyway, just a quick heads up; Rydstrom isn’t the sentimental type so don’t go into this date expecting flowers and candlelit dinners and all that shiz. Expect…well, definitely/probably expect:

  1. Heading on over to Erol’s, a Lore-exclusive New Orleans bar, for a few drinks. Expect a few dark looks from the ladies (and some of the guys, too)…Rydstrom is pretty much everyone’s fantasy incarnate.
  2. Rydstrom getting sick of the Lykae flirting with you and escorting you out to the parking lot.
  3. Nix stepping out from behind a car and approaching you guys, seemingly speaking in tongues as she looks to your future. It can be unnerving, but you get used to it. Most of the Lore have dubbed her ‘Nucking Futs Nix’ and she’s quite lovable once you get over the creepy ever knowing thing.
  4. Going for a long drive in Rydstom’s pride and joy, the Veyron. Yeah, Holly totaled the last one in Dark Desires After Dusk but hey, what can I say? He has a generous insurance provider.
  5. Deciding to do a bit of off-roading and go camping *yanks back the curtains and peeks outside* Perfect night for it *whistles* Just look at those stars!
  6. Rydstrom starting up a fire before pouring you a cup of demon brew (or sweet wine, he will have packed both into his car just in case – he’s quite the gentledemon, although he probably doesn’t like to admit it).
  7. Rydstrom leaving you for half an hour or so to go…hunting. The sight of a skinned animal carcass can be, ahem, rather unappealing so I’ve done you a packed lunch too.
  8. Hearing stories of Rydstrom’s days as king and the battles he fought.
  9. You deciding Rydstrom isn’t quite what you’re looking for in a guy.
  10. You giving Rydstrom my phone number and telling him I’m available all day, everyday.

Is that the purr of the Veyron’s engine I hear? *rushes to the fridge* Here’s your packed lunch. You like peanut butter, right? Also, take these spare bottles of Desperados. It’s beer…but sweet. Kinda like a compromise between demon brew and wine. See you later…I’ll be waiting up!

giphy (22)


Date nights with Valen


Check out my review for Valen here!

*runs up to you and throws myself into your outstretched, waiting arms* Dude! I have missed you soooooo freaking much! You decided to take a break from dating, huh? Can’t say as  I blame you *pulls away and pulls a diary out my bag* I mean, c’mon, your last date was with ConradI think anyone would need a break after dealing with him *sighs* And of course…there was that whole *whispers* guinea pig incident. How’s it going with the therapist? Have you been able to cut down on your hay intake?

Anyway, tonight, according to the email I received from HQ earlier, you’re going on a date with Valen! You know who I mean, right? You went on a date with Ares, his brother, the motorcycle-riding, pizza-addicted, fire-wielding god? See, you do remember. I know he set the hand towels in the bathroom alight but people make mistakes, okay?

I’ve told Valen to be patient and not to step here (teleport for you non-GoH readers) before 7pm at the earliest *scrutinizes the clock* That gives us two hours. Are you ready for all the info I got? Okay, date nights with Valen will probably/definitely include:

  1. Going for a few drinks in Valen’s favorite bar…but do not let that man near the vodka shots! Gods and alcohol? Na-ah. No waaaaay, joooooooseeeeeee! Unless, of course, you wanna see Rome razed to the ground…and if you do, well, I suggest you lock yourself in the attic and banish yourself from society.
  2. Getting slightly pissed off as Valen’s brothers keep randomly materializing in a poof of dramatic black smoke. Unless it’s Calistos, of course. He’s a babe *swoons*
  3. Being unable to eat dinner because Valen’s flipped the table over…unless you manage to avoid receiving compliments from anyone, his brothers in particular. He is prone to jealous fits of rage…
  4. Valen being called to the Rome gate, leaving you with no choice but to eat both his and your desserts. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Wait and watch his gelato melt? Pffft. What nonsense.
  5. Valen stepping  you to his favorite hill (not as weird as that sounds, trust me)
  6. Realizing it provides you with a fantastic vantage point of Rome as the two of you gaze upon the ancient city glittering away in the darkness.
  7. Valen showing you his talents by shaping animals out of his lightning. A awe-inspiring sight my sources (me) tell me.
  8. Being stepped to Tokyo because Esher is having, ahem, one of his moments…
  9. Returning to Rome for a late night stroll around the monuments and buildings. Midnight is the perfect time for a bit of sightseeing, trust me. Most of the tourists are tucked safely into their hotel beds.
  10. Tucking into yet more gelato as you sit by the Trevi Fountain.


Jealous fits of rage and scary brothers aside, this sounds like it might be a promising date! Have fun! *snatches clump of hay from your hands* No, bad piggy! 


Date nights with Conrad


Check out my review for Dark Needs at Night’s Edge here!

Deary me *sighs dramatically and pats the sofa next to me, signalling for you to sit down* What are we going to do with you, eh? Oh shit, sorry, my bad *scoops you off the floor and sets you on my lap* This is what happens when you ask a god to put in a good word for you and get you turned into the minor god(dess) of freaking guinea pigs. You get turned into one! You see, I asked to be turned into the goddess of tea *holds out hand and smiles as a cup of peppermint tea materializes in a puff of smoke* thereby ensuring I remained as I am. You can’t turn an animate object into an inanimate object…but you can turn a person into a guinea pig…a very cute guinea pig *chucks you under the chin* But yeah, Turning into Gods 101. Didn’t you read it before signing the contract?

*sighs again and sips tea* Nevermind. I’ve been chatting with Mari from the Immortals After Dark series and she reckons she can get you turned back before sundown…which is great because that’s when Conrad’s arriving. While we’re waiting for Mari, how about I tell you what to expect from your upcoming date? Oh lord, I hope you still have the comprehension of a human. I hope you’re not just gonna sit there and daydream about kale and pooping. Argh, what the hell. Gotta do something to pass the time, she said it’s quite a complex spell and might take an hour or two…

Well, date nights with Conrad will probably/definitely include:

  1. Crotch watching. Any movement there is a sure sign you’re destined for one another.
  2. Cautiously backing away every now and then as Conrad becomes lost in memories and mutters to himself.
  3. Conrad bestowing you with a gift of all your favorite newspapers. Articles, crosswords…damn, there’s just hours of excitement and intrigue awaiting you! (And that’s not even sarcasm. I love shit like that.)
  4. Playing a game of vingt-et-un; whoever wins the hand gets to ask one question. Dammit, we can’t even practise when you have teeny tiny paws instead of hands!
  5. Conrad having a, ahem, moment and tearing the house apart. Do we have home insurance?
  6. Conrad feeling guilty about his outburst and fixing (and improving) the house.
  7. Coaching Conrad in the art of kissing…I hear he’s a fast learner.
  8. Conrad shouting down the phone at his brothers, trying to convince them that you do exist.
  9. Potentially getting caught up in the midst of battle. If you see Cadeon Woede…turn around and run. 
  10. More crotch watching.

So, you all ready for your date with Conrad?


…right. I hope Mari gets here soon…



Date nights with Triton


Check out my review for A Touch of Greek here!

Two god dates in a row!? Dayum *reclines in my chair and surveys you over the rim of my cup of tea* You’re on fire! We’re rubbing shoulders with some pretty powerful people. Maybe we’re in line for an upgrade. Perhaps *clears throat* we can persuade Ares or Triton to, y’know, turn us into minor god(desses). Or to at least ask their dads to anyway.

Leave it to me, honey. I’ll sweet talk ’em round my little finger.

What will you rule over? Hmmm *taps chin thoughtfully* I’m thinking I might become the goddess of…tea. Oh my. Yes, it’s perfect. People would build temples in my name! People would pray to me in the midst of a crisis and I, in all my golden glowy glory, will descend from the heavens armed with nothing but the tea suited for the situation. *puts on gentle, soothing voice* There, there, child. Fret not over your impending exams. Have some chamomile to calm ye frayed nerves.

*sees you looking at me with concern and raised eyebrows* Oh. Sorry *laughs* Getting waaaaaaaay ahead of myself there. So Triton, eh? The divinely delectable god of sailors and seafarers and calmer of storms. Admittedly not quite as badass as Ares, wielder of fire and owner of classic motorcycles, but still. You’re gonna have a blast! *checks clock* We’ve got about an hour until he arrives so let’s get you prepped! Date nights with Triton will probably/definitely include:

  1. Triton giving you a false name and then sheepishly admitting he lied. The lying’s an ongoing issue he’s trying to resolve…
  2. Triton blindfolding you and hand feeding you your favorite foods, seeing if you can guess what they are. More difficult than it sounds, believe me.
  3. Spending a couple of hours cuddled up on a sun lounger in the garden, gazing up at the stars as Triton reads you his favorite book (which, incidentally, is Tina Folsom’s A Touch of Greek. Hmm. A bit narcissistic if you ask me…not that you were but y’know, just in case you were going to.)
  4. Triton taking pity on you when he sees how much housework you have to do and calling his buddies over to do it for you. What a champ.
  5. You giving Triton driving lessons. When your dad’s the god of the oceans, why would you have a driving license? You just *poof* magic up a fish tail and away you go *looks down at my fish tail* What the fuck?
  6. *flopping around helplessly on the floor* Argh POSEIDON! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? Argh! Whatever. Triton helping you deal with any annoying relatives that might come on over uninvited.
  7. Triton serenading you with his conch shell (Did I actually just write that sentence?)
  8. Walking hand-in-hand along the beach.
  9. Triton, while laughing manically, dragging you into the ocean and taking you for a swim.
  10. You wishing you hadn’t worn your most expensive clothes.

*still yelling* POSEIDON! TRITON! This isn’t funny! *Poseidon suddenly materializes, cackling as the sight of me flapping my fish tail helplessly* Change me back! Now! 

*poof* Oh thank the lord *stands up on shaking legs* That was awful *glares at Poseidon* I take your fish man spawn is here too? *pushes you towards Poseidon* Eugh, please. Get him out of my sight. I need some tea. Have a good night.

Date nights with Ares


Check out my review for Ares here!

*literally jumping up and down in excitement* Okay, okay, I know I’ve been a shit matchmaker these past couple of weeks but…hey, don’t look at me like that! I’m not just I swoon over fictional, non-human men’s resident matchmaker. I also work in a hotel that’s currently embroiled in its most chaotic season of the year! So, yeah *sighs dramatically and flops down on your sofa* Cut me some slack! Anyway, before you rudely interrupted me, I was about to talk about tonight’s date…which *pauses for dramatic effect* is with an actual god. I’m trying to think here *frowns and taps chin thoughtfully, again for nothing more than dramatic effect* Have you ever dated a god? Guardians of the gods? Yup, can check that one off. A wannabe god? *shudders* Yeeeeeah, can definitely check that one off.

Nope! Ares is gonna be your first god date! *squeals and throws glitter in your face* Hey, heeeeeeey! Don’t shout at me! I was just trying to help! I wanted to make you look all ethereal and goddess-like and shit! Forget himations (ancient Greek equivalent of a toga) and laurel wreaths balanced on your head. Only glitter can bestow you with true goddess status *throws more glitter at you* Trust me, babe. I’m an expert.

So, before Ares arrives – oh lord, how is he gonna arrive? Is he gonna teleport? Is he going to rock up on his motorbike!? – let me tell you what to expect. Date nights with Ares (a freaking god) will probably/definitely include:

  1. Being babysat by one of his brothers while he goes to open the gate to the Underworld. Not a great start to the date admittedly, but hey, most of his brothers are tame. Maybe you’ll get Calistos *swoons*
  2. Ordering pizza upon his return and watching movies while you eat.
  3. A spontaneous trip to Tuscany. The teleporting (or stepping as Ares and his brothers call it) will make you feel a bit queasy, though, so take it easy with the pizza! Nothing quite tarnishes your image like vomiting on a god. I mean, I assume anyway. Never actually dated one *shouts* Sorry, Illium!
  4. Spontaneous trip to Tokyo for a meeting regarding the world’s impending destruction. It’ll be awkward being surrounded by so many hulking, brooding gods but hey, at least they make good eye candy.
  5. Stepping back to Tuscany (actually, don’t eat any pizza)
  6. Ares giving you motorbike lessons along Tuscany’s cute, winding country roads, past countless vineyards and beneath the warming glow of the setting sun.
  7. A Hades-induced earthquake at some point *chuckles* Man, that god is so easily offended *screams as the ground shakes and begins to open up* I take it back, I take it back!
  8. Yet another meeting with his brothers, this time in Ares’ apartment. I swear half of Ares’ actual book is just him and his brothers having meetings.
  9. Possibly being attacked by a daemon.
  10. Ending the night by finally eating your now-cold pizza and snuggling in bed with Ares.

Daemons and earthquakes aside, you’re gonna have a fabulous time! *blows you a kiss as we hear a motorbike purr to a stop outside* I won’t wait up for you *winks in the most unsubtle of ways*

Date nights with (another) Lucian


*looks up as you enter the room* Yoooo. ‘Suuuuuuuuuuup…argh, screw this casual bullshit *attacks you with hugs* Where have you been!? *shakes you by the shoulders* You just never came back from your date with Vlad *sniffs* I was all alone in your apartment, drinking myself stupid and thinking of all the various creative ways he could have dispatched of you. I called HQ, like, a thousand times but they told me they hold no liability in the event of a date ending in death. Some crap about not wanting legal battles with immensely powerful, immortal creatures yada yada and all that. Wait, what do you mean you were on bloody vacation!? You didn’t think to call me? To, y’know, inform moi. To inform your matchmaker. To inform the person who lives with you. To *laughs hysterically* inform the person who cares a little too much about your well-being! *sighs* Eugh. Whatever. Pop the kettle on, pet *accepts your gift* I can’t stay angry when you’ve got me a shirt with…Beach Bum Hawaii scrawled upon it. Oh lord, you went to freaking Hawaii? Nope. Scrap that. I’m very angry. Hawaii crowns my list of places I need to visit and *screeches* YOU DIDN’T EVEN THINK TO INVITE ME! Not only are you gonna make me the best cup of tea you have ever made, you’re damn well gonna bring me a packet of biscuits too! I can’t deal with this, I can’t – *phone pings*

Oh? Your next date is…tonight. Ah yes, I scheduled this a few weeks back after you selected him on the app. Almost cancelled it because, well, I thought you were dead. I kept the date in my diary in case HQ gave me another client but no such luck. Still stuck with you. The most infuriating individual I’ve ever met *instantly feels bad* Well, you’re not that bad. We’ve had some fun times, I guess. Fleeing from murderous archangels in China. Sitting atop Archangel Tower while we awaited my clothes. You trying to shield me while I sat in a bar in my PJs.

Anyway, a date with Lucian. Mmmmm-mmm! He’s rather…delicious. No bars, though, ‘kay? Pinkie promise me? *grabs your pinkie* Ooo nice manicure. Was that done in Hawaii too? *glowers at you* Let’s move on from that sore subject. Date nights with Lucian will probably/definitely include:

  1. Coffee. Tea. Juice. Just anything without alcohol.
  2. A bar crawl. Forget the fancy, brand-name establishments. It’s all about the teeny-tiny dive bars.
  3. Discussing your hopes and dreams for the future while knocking back a few mocktails.
  4. Getting confused when Lucian looks at and speaks to people who don’t seem to be there. Hmm. Bit old for imaginary friends, right?
  5. Walking from bar to bar, hand-in-hand, being all cute with little kisses and hugs.
  6. Lucian reminiscing about days spent with the big J C.
  7. Ignoring the jealous glares of every woman you encounter.
  8. Ignoring the jealous glares of nearly every man you encounter.
  9. Buying some gelato from a local ice cream parlor and sitting in the park while you eat, joking about and making up funny stories about each of the people you see walking by.
  10. Lucian walking you home and ending the night with a sensual smile and a promise to see you again.

Not one of your more extravagant dates, but it’s not always about the what and the where…it’s sometimes more about the who *smiles to myself, immensely impressed by my sudden gem of wisdom* Have the most wonderful of nights and please, please come home *blows you a kiss*

Date nights with Vlad


Check out my review for Once Burned 

*enjoying a relaxing day off, happens to see I have a new email* Ah it’s HQ with the deets for your next date. I swear you have more dates than I have hot – *spews tea all over the laptop screen* What the hell!? 


Okay, Bowen and his crazed cousin were one thing…but Vlad? As in, Vlad the freaking Impaler? There’s no smoke without fire, honey. People aren’t bestowed with these nicknames for nothing, y’know. What exactly did you think his profile on the Fictional dates with equally fictional men app meant when it said he’ also known as “the Impaler”? Don’t…oh lord. Don’t tell me…you thought. Oh. Let’s not even go there. You’re as bad as the authors if you think that word means…

Moving on. Moving swiftly on. So. A date with possibly one of the most infamous vampires in living memory, huh? Alright. This might take a while. Good thing I saw the email when I did. Gives me the two hours I might possibly need to prepare you for tonight. Date nights with Vlad will probably/definitely include:

  1. Vlad telling you before you’ve even said “Hello!” that he cannot love you. Errr…forward and awkward but honest. That’s something, right?
  2. Vlad gathering you in his arms and flying you to his castle.
  3. Sitting before an open fire (that he’s conjured) in an attempt to ease the probable frostbite you caught thanks to the sub-zero, above-cloud temperatures. He forgets the frailty of the mortal body…
  4. A feast at his overly long dining table. Take some throat lozenges, you’re gonna need them after shouting down the table for an hour or more.
  5. Or maybe you won’t. After all, Vlad flicks through people’s thoughts like you would a newspaper.
  6. Vlad approving of your inner thoughts. He will definitely agree that he is pretty damn hot.
  7. You, understandably mortified, denying that you ever thought such a preposterous thing.
  8. Vlad finding this incredibly amusing and telling you to date one of his staff if you really find him that repulsive. 
  9. You actually taking him up on his offer. A date within a date? Dateception? Nice.
  10. Deciding that you’re probably better off single.

I can guarantee it’ll be one the strangest date you’ve ever been on…and when you’ve been on a date with Lijuan, that’s really saying something.

Have fun?


Date nights with Bowen


Check out my review of Wicked Deeds on a Winter’s Night

*looks up from my laptop and takes a slurp of tea* You, my friend, are in serious trouble. Bowen MacfuckingRieve? Lachlain’s cousin?! Didn’t you learn anything from that date? Wasn’t the bank cancelling your credit card a big enough hint? Wait, wait…don’t you remember the court case? We had to take him to court to get him to return the thousands he’d spent on designer clothes! *pours half a bottle of gin into my tea* I just can’t…*screams* I haven’t slept since receiving Bowen’s email. Sure, that was only an hour ago but still! Maybe I wanted a nap! Did you ever consider that, hm? Hm? I have been wide awake this past hour, drinking gin-laced tea and researching moon cycles and all that shit. Y’know, lykae do that whole transforming-and-chasing-women-on-the-full-moon thing. Thank God that isn’t tonight.

*pats the sofa beside me* Come now, stupid…I mean, naive one. Sit with me. Perhaps I’m being a tad unfair on Bowen. I’ve met the man and he’s a damn sight more likable than his cousin…but I’m just concerned. He’s way older than you for one and he has a terrible taste in music. Anyway, I’ll prep you as best as I can. Date nights with Bowen will probably/definitely include:

  1. Bowen boasting about how good he is in bed. I guess it’s true what they say about sex; it’s like riding a bike, once you know how you never forget. Even after nearly 180 years. Actually, they don’t say anything of the sort *shakes head* Ignore me.
  2. Trying to decipher his accent. To be fair, he might even just be speaking Gaelic and telling you about all the naughty things he wants to do with you. I mean, it is a first date. He wouldn’t want to be too forward by telling you in a language you understand
  3. Bowen becoming increasingly frustrated by his lack of music and movie knowledge.
  4. Steering the conversation onto less rage-inducing topics. Ah future goals, perfect choice…
  5. …Bowen sealing you inside a cave should he feel you pose a threat to his reaching of said goal.
  6. A war between the Lykae clan and I swoon over fictional, non-human men HQ. I passed the first grade in kickboxing four years ago, let me at ’em! *snarls and gnashes teeth*
  7. Bowen hotfooting it to your humble demon-infested abode and releasing you.
  8. Ignoring him and trying to find your own way back.
  9. Getting lost and reluctantly allowing Bowen to call Lachlain. Awwwwwkward. You guys didn’t exactly part on the best of terms…
  10. Coming home and telling me I was right all along – Lykae shouldn’t date mortal women. Still, I’ll have cocoa at the ready *smiles sweetly*

Oh lord. I can see his looming silhouette outside the doorway. Here, take this *hands you a pouch of enchanted glitter* Nabbed this off one of the witch covens. If he starts pissing you off, throw it in his face. He’ll either be too horrified at the implied threat against his masculinity to pursue you or it’ll curse him. Either way, you can do a runner!

I feel like I may have been way too harsh with poor Bowen here. He’s actually so much better than his cousin…I just feel dating a Lykae comes with too many risks! Plus their arrogance is a bit grating. 

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