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Taking a little break

breeeeeak

Hey, guys. Just a quick post to let you know that I’m going to be taking a break for a week or so. I’ve been feeling very low lately and to top things off, I also have a UTI so have been feeling even more crappy. I’m going home to see my family this weekend and while I’m going to catch up on comments (I’m really, really behind so I’m really sorry), I won’t be doing any posts. I’m hoping I’ll be feeling okay soon! In the meantime, though, if anyone wants to keep in touch, feel free to chat with me through my personal Facebook. I always love hearing from you guys ❤

 

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Curse – a poem

There are days when you might feel that to some people your existence is a curse

But know and remember this one truth; you’re so wanted, loved and needed 

And I hope that one day the clouds will part and you’ll gain a true sense of your self worth

 

For anyone who needs a little reminder today ❤

I’m back, beeotches!

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I really wanted to post pictures of all the cultural hotspots in Glasgow (so there’s a picture of a cool archway I saw on the way to the pub), but, truth be told, about 90% of the photos I did take are of me and my boyfriend posing for Snapchat filter selfies. So what you’re seeing are photos of some baklava I had in my favourite tea room, some gorgeous flowers I received for my birthday, one of about 30 Snapchat selfies, aforementioned cool archway and one of my panda birthday cards.

Thank you so, so much for all of your birthday wishes ❤ Today was spent catching up on uni things and doing boring adult things like laundry…but have no fear, I shall be catching up in the next couple of days ❤

Music Monday – ‘Comfortably Numb’ Pink Floyd

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I was naughty and skipped last week’s Music Monday (well, I did actually have a legitimate reason, I was exploring my new university campus) but I’m back now with some more awesome music! Music Monday is a weekly meme hosted by Drew @ The Tattooed Book Geek and is a chance to showcase your epic taste in music! My choice for this week is Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with this band over the years, largely due to them being a favourite of my late uncle. I didn’t meet my actual father until I was 18 (and I don’t even know why I bothered, to be honest. He turned out to be an absolute twat) so the two main father figures in my childhood were my grandad (who raised me alongside my nan) and my uncle (well, great uncle, he was my grandad’s brother). When I was 12, he passed away very suddenly. He collapsed and died within a matter of minutes, before the paramedics could even get him to the hospital in fact. His sudden absence left me feeling bereft and sadder than I’d ever thought possible.

At his funeral, they naturally played Pink Floyd and for years afterwards, I couldn’t listen to any of their music without bursting into tears or getting incredibly angry over the fact my uncle had been taken away from us. I loved their music, but I just couldn’t listen to it.

A couple of years back, I had something of lightbulb moment. I realised that my uncle wouldn’t want me to stop listening to the music I liked because of him. He’d want me to listen to it and enjoy it in honour of his memory. Comfortably Numb is one of my personal favourites and I’m very happy to share it with you guys today.

Lyrics

Hello,
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?

Come on now
I hear you’re feeling down
Well, I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again

Relax
I’ll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I’ve got that feeling once again
I can’t explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb

I have become comfortably numb

O.K.
Just a little pin prick
There’ll be no more aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?
I do believe it’s working, good
That’ll keep you going through the show
Come on, it’s time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb.

 

I’ve been here one week!

Hey, guys! A few of you asked me to keep you updated on my new life here in Leicester and, you’ll be pleased to know, things have been going great so far!

Despite my initial nerves (I think ‘nerves’ is an understatement, I was pretty much having a meltdown), I seem to have settled into life as a postgrad quite nicely. My flatmates, even though we’re ships passing in the night at the moment, are fantastic. They actually wash their dishes and if that isn’t a sign of a good flatmate then I don’t know what it is! Furthermore, I’ve been making friends with people on my course. On Tuesday, we had an induction lecture and being seated in a lecture theater isn’t really conducive to becoming acquainted with your classmates. The barrage of information combined with not having the chance to talk to anyone meant that I left the class feeling both dejected and overwhelmed.

However, on Wednesday, we had an awkward ice-breaker activity where we ‘mingled’ and chatted to one another, asking for names, languages spoken and interesting facts. I spoke to a Japanese lady and when I told her that I had lived in Japan for one year, she immediately wanted to add me on Facebook. The next day, I met the same lady in an IT class and I had lunch with her and her friend (who’s now my friend too) who comes from Taiwan.

This morning, I attended a pancake brunch (eugh, we Brits do not know how to do pancakes. Give me some fluffy American pancakes any day!) in my halls and then went into town with my Taiwanese friend and her flatmate. We did some shopping and had lunch before checking out the local market. I bagged a massive mango for £1! Bargain! We walked home in the rain and had a long conversation about our past universities and the things we like to do in our spare time…I’ve also introduced them to new words such as ‘chinwagging’ and ‘shortcut’!

This week has been manic, so I haven’t had much time for reading. I got home at about 4pm today, though, and the gloomy, rainy weather made for a perfect couple hours of reading. I’ve fashioned a reading nook out of panda teddies (see below!)

Looking forward to catching up with you all!

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Adorbs as fuck.

A Cup of Tea and a Chinwag with Jazz; episode eleven, ‘Constant Companions’

chinwag

I’ve decided to take the plunge and sign up properly for Podbean! Episode eleven is a little different from the previous ten in that it’s neither about books or writing. It’s about my struggles with depression and anxiety and is essentially me talking through my various coping mechanisms in the hopes that maybe they’ll prove beneficial to somebody else.

Feel free to give me podcast a follow and check out the episode here!

My new place

I’m not gonna lie…I did cry earlier on when I got dropped off here. About ten minutes after my grandad left, I was curled up in my chair sobbing “I just wanna go home!”, but after cooking some dinner and meeting one of my flatmates, I’m feeling much better. I’ve even begun setting up my room!

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You don’t have to say it, I know you love my duvet cover.
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Tea, pandas and books all on one shelf…perfection. 

Thank you for all of your support these past couple of days. You guys have really made me feel a lot better about moving! I promise I’m gonna be catching up in the next couple of days.

 

Tomorrow’s the big day…

…and I have comments to respond to, blog posts to read and reviews to write. Today has been spent packing and I went out for a meal with my family tonight too, but once I’m settled and have my internet sorted, I’ll catch up and annoy you all with endless pics of my new place!

Thank you for all the support, guys ❤

Need to vent

Sorry, guys. I was gonna use tonight to catch up on some comments and check out new posts, but I’m feeling down so I’m just gonna vent if that’s okay. Some people might just think I’m being stupid and whining. I probably am stupid but it’s my blog, my little corner of the internet, and I need to vent. The anxiety I’m feeling is becoming unbearable and I’m hoping me getting some of my feelings out into the ether might make me feel better.

I’m moving to Leicester on Saturday and I don’t want to go. It’s not me being nervous because I’m leaving the family home (again). I’ve done that before and I enjoy having my own space…

…I just don’t want to go back to university and there’s no one to blame for this fucking mess other than me.

I want to get on with my life; work and have my own place.

I’m socially awkward, shy and anxious. I’m going to be living in university accommodation, sharing an apartment with six strangers and the thought of it is making me feel physically sick. I know I’m nearly 25, but I keep remembering when I was in my first year of my undergraduate degree and lived with two girls who were absolutely vile to me. They were nasty to me and made fun of me and it got to the stage where I was spending nights at my friends’ places so I could get away from them. I know I’m a lot older and a lot more mature now – as will the other postgrads I’ll be living with probably – but I’m getting so anxious at the thought of living with unknown people. I’m not good at living with loads of people and I just know I’m going to be the person always left out of things and who no body wants to talk to. I repel people. They just think I’m stupid because I can barely string two sentences together without stumbling over my words and the thought of living in a place full of people who think that is terrifying me.

I’m not working at the moment and while I get I shouldn’t have too much trouble finding a part time job, I feel like I’m drifting around without purpose. The financial side of this venture is causing me a lot of anxiety. Postgrads get next to nothing once the loans have covered the tuition fees. I can pay my first lot of my accommodation fees but I have no fucking clue how I’m gonna pay the second installment in the New Year. Even with a job, I won’t be able to cover the costs.

And the social aspect of it too. The friends I have I have because they’re all just as weird and wacky as me, but what if I find no one like that where I’m going? What if I just spend the whole year feeling sad and lonely?

I’m being stupid. I’m being pathetic. I know that. I’m just beginning to fear I’ve made a massive mistake. I think about Saturday and I literally just want to cry.

 

 

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