Life appreciation post (a non-bookish post)

introducing.jpg

*taps microphone* Hello? Hello, can everyone hear me? Great! I would like to make an announcement!

I…I think I have my life together?

As some of you may remember, before my return to blogging semi-regularly a month or so ago, a majority of the posts that had passed through my blog for a year or more were about how depressed and anxious I’ve been. Going back to university was tough. I’m not sure if it was combination of living in shitty student halls and feeling way in over my head, but my anxiety got really bad. Earlier on this year, I started struggling to sleep because my head was just so loud. I’d lie awake, heart pounding, my mind dancing with all sorts of ridiculous anxieties. There was even a night when I couldn’t stop crying because I was convinced aliens were gonna come and get me while I was sleeping and take me away from my boyfriend, family and friends…yeah, that was a weird one. It all came to a head when I called my grandparents following a completely sleepless night. They came to Leicester and took me home for a few days. We talked things over. We drank the obligatory cups of chamomile tea. We talked some more.

And we knew it was time that I got some help.

I visited my local GP who was absolutely fantastic. She took the time to hear me out and after a couple of follow up appointments, she suggested that I try a baby dose of a medication called Citalopram, which is an SSRI, a type of antidepressant that increases serotonin levels in the brain.

Things began to improve. Citalopram, combined with talking therapy sessions, seemed to set me back on track and I managed to complete my dissertation. Fast forward to early September and I began to struggle again. I hadn’t long moved up to Glasgow and while I adored living with my boyfriend, not having a job and spending most of my days in our flat was a struggle. I’d have days just sitting crying, convinced that my happy life was gonna come crashing down around me, convinced that my boyfriend would soon realise I wasn’t all that great, convinced that no one would want to my friend in this big, new city.

I went to my new GP who, like my one in Leicester, was fantastic. She upped my dosage and things…well, they began to get better again and speaking to my grandparents on the phone earlier, I’ve realised just how much things have improved in two short months.

Since that GP visit:

  1. I’m getting better at rationalising my anxieties, to the extent where I went to my first gig (a poetry gig) in about 8 years.
  2. I can go a good few days without crying (which seemed nigh on impossible a few months ago).
  3. I had a job interview and got said job – I start on Monday!
  4. We got two rats (behold their cute wee faces below).
  5. I’m blogging again.
  6. I’m learning to play ukulele.
  7. I’m writing more.
  8. I’ve started doing yoga.
  9. I’m reading a lot more than I had been doing.
  10. Glasgow has begun to feel like home.

I’m happy that some of my darkest days and nights are behind me. I’m happy to be alive and to be living this life.

I’m just happy. Also, rats.

 

 

Jazz

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3 comments

  1. Ooo congrats with your new job! I’m so happy you’re feeling better, I love reading optimistic plans 😉 You’re actually quite lucky you have such great GPs (and grandparents). I reached out to my own GP (well someone knew because I already felt I wasn’t heard before) and I only got something herbal which didn’t help me at all. So disappointed in that experience. I’ll think of you on Monday!

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  2. It is wonderful to see you have emerged frm the very dark days and difficult nights, Jazz! I love that you’re happy and that you’re managing to rationalize your anxieties… I went through a stage not so long back when I was like having those intense monologues n ym head where I tried to rationalise what I was feeling and after a while, I guess I started believing myself. I am also taking a things a lot less easier at work- work was the main reason all my troubles started and then I just said- fuck it, what I work at isn’t a live or die thing, people can wait a bit for my replies or phone calls and you know what? it’s a bit better 🙂 I’ve learned to say NO…
    I hopw your new job is going well and look fprward to some more happy news from you 🙂 ❤

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  3. Oh I’m so happy to hear you’re doing so well, Jazz!! People are always saying how one needs to put their mental health first but it’s so easy to forget and neglect it, isn’t it… Until it comes to a point where it becomes unbearable, that is. I’m so so glad you took that first step and went to see a professional. It really is the hardest thing to do but so worth it and, taking from your post, live-changing!
    Medication gets a bad rep but everyone’s bodies are different and some brains just need that extra push. It’s totally normal and I’m really happy to hear it’s been helping immensely! I think that, along with therapy, works much better than just one or the other. Big changes do trigger a lot of energy and emotions and our bodies have a hard time processing it, so it’s no wonder our generation seems to be so bad at handling it – there’s so much going on and so much pressure to succeed at everything!
    Really looking forward to more positive posts like this, and to keep reading about your progress! Hopefully, you’ll be up to 100% in no time ❤ Best of luck, darling, and congrats on achieving this awesome state of mind 🙂

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