Vent

It’s 21:53. I’m home alone…and my mind is loud. My mind is screaming at me and my thoughts need out.

First off, I’m sorry for being shit. I haven’t blogged or looked at any blogs in nearly a month. I’ve been busy. I’ve been depressed and I’m not sure if I even feel like a real person anymore.

There are moments and sometimes even days of happiness; when I go up to Glasgow to see my boyfriend, when I see my friends for lunch or coffee and a catch up, when I see my family and have some good home-cooked food…but in between all of that, I feel like nothing.

I never expected my course to be easy. I like a challenge and I’ve tried to tackle this one head on. I’m doing all the reading and the feedback I’ve received for my practise assignments has been promising. From a social standpoint too, life at uni is great. I’ve made some great friends, one of whom is coming over for Christmas.

But I don’t want to be at uni anymore. I feel like it’s consuming who I am as a person. Everything that I enjoyed doing – everything that made me me – has taken a back burner. I barely have time to read and when I do, I’m too exhausted to read more than ten pages at a time it seems. I only have time to jot down the odd poem here and there; the short story collection I wanted to work on has come to nothing. I don’t have time to blog on a regular basis and while it’s not the end of the world, I miss the community I became a part of over the course of a year and a half. I feel isolated from everything that I love doing. I don’t feel like me anymore and it scares me.

I’m worried about money as well. Although I only did part time hours at the hotel, I had a monthly income that I could rely on. I could pay my rent and still have enough left over for other things and suddenly not having that anymore has left me feeling financially insecure. I’ve been sticking to a budget these past three months, but I’ve been trying to work out the figures for my second semester and I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to manage. I tried finding a part time job but the places that I applied to didn’t get back to me and a lot of places that I wanted to work in offered too many hours or weren’t flexible enough. I figured I’d leave it until maybe my second or third semester but now I’m worrying about not finding work when I actually really need it.

I’m feeling anxious too and I’m not even 100% sure why. I think it’s an accumulation of everything weighing on my mind, but I find myself waking up early in the morning, my heart pounding as all my irrational worries begin to wake up as well. I’m anxious about the things I’ve previously mentioned, but I’m anxious about a lot of other stuff too and the thing that makes me so angry with myself is that most of the stuff I’m anxious about aren’t even real things. They’re things my mind imagines happening. I get anxious at the thought of my boyfriend leaving me because he’ll get sick of me. I get anxious at the thought of becoming homeless because I can’t afford to cover the expenses of my studies. I get anxious at the thought of leaving my course (even though I want to) and my family being ashamed and disappointed in me. I get anxious at the thought of those I love and care for getting sick or getting hurt and being unable to help them or do anything about it. I get anxious at the thought of 2018. I get anxious at the thought of being in my mid twenties and still not being 100% sure of what I want to do in terms of a career despite doing a fucking MA.

I was relatively happy before uni and now I’m not. I know it sounds pathetic and like I’m ungrateful because not everyone gets the opportunity to do this. It’s my own fault. I applied for this and I’ve got no one to blame but myself.

 

 

13 thoughts on “Vent

  1. Hey there Jazz. School can be hard, and life sometimes feels different from what we expected. We all get down sometimes. Anxiety creeps up on us and tries to wrestle us to the ground. Apathy swallows us like a black hole. But you can do it. Whatever you decide to do, you can do it. And if you don’t know what that is right now, then that’s okay, too.
    I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your faith in me. It’s always comforting to know that even when I don’t have faith in myself, others still do.
      I’m trying, I’m really trying. I’m determined to not let these negative feelings get the better of me!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel this 100%!!!! I feel bad because it sounds like I’m really ungrateful, and I should be grateful and proud to even get into uni and be able to go, but I feel exactly how you feel right now. I’m just trying to remember why I chose to go to uni, and take it step by step, and keep breathing. Hopefully, things will eventually make sense. I wish you all the best 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is exactly what I was saying to my boyfriend the other day! I feel guilty for feeling down because, when my life is taken at face value, what have I got to be down about?
      I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling the same 😦 I hope that things begin to pick up for you too! It sounds like you have the right approach, though. I need to learn to take it day by day and not dwell too much on the what ifs of the future!
      Thank you for dropping by ❤

      Like

  3. Nothing you wrote sounds pathetic, stupid girl! If it’s how you feel and it is an issue/issues that are affecting you then it’s never pathetic. It’s important to you and that’s all that matters. Anyone says it’s pathetic then the first word you want to use rhymes with duck and begins with an ‘f’ and the second word is off!😂

    Life is hard, unfortunately, things don’t turn out how we want them too either, unfortunately. It is how it is. Life’s a b#tch, that saying is so true.😞

    Whatever you decide, it’s your choice and you have to put yourself and your happiness first. No one can have an issue with that and sure as sh#t won’t be disappointed in you. If they care about you then they will just want you to do what is right and what is best for you, for YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I haven’t had the energy for much online stuff over the festive season with my assignments and feeling like this. I did visit my GP on Friday, though, and she was great. I’m being referred to counselling so hopefully I’ll be able to get these feelings back under control again 🙂 I’ve really gotten myself into a state over uni. I’m still not 100% decided what I’m gonna do but I’m gonna give it another month at least and see how I feel after that. Like you say, I have to put myself and my happiness first.
      Hope you had a great festive season! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I can relate to what you wrote… Work has been making me feel those exact things, and it sucks huge donkey balls that life can turn into such an unbalanced pile of crap… haha… no, but really… the only way to keep things from spiralling further is to manage my time better. I know that but it’s so hard to do… with all the responsibilities and not enough hours in the day, the priorities will always be priorities… tough times, Jazz… but… there’s always better days and times ahead. There has to be! Lots of love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Life really is an unbalanced pile of crap and I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been having the same problem too 😦
      If you figure out the optimum way to manage your time, let me know ;P It’s something I really want to get better at this year. I don’t want this course to consume me!
      How was your Christmas and New Year? ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The optimum way? well, for one, I have started saying NO and I had to remind myself today to actually take a break… I hope a habit forms out of it over time… I don’t want to rush into making rash decisions about big changes in my life but dammit, if things don’t get better I really need to consider alternatives to the way things are now…
        Ah, xmas was good and quite, NYE the same 😉 just the way I wanted… I hope you had a good old time yourself and hope 2018 will offer us some good, positive directions! ❤

        Like

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