Today, here in the UK, it’s Father’s Day and while my grandad (who raised me with my nan) quite happily took on the role my father didn’t want, I felt the need to write a poem/open letter to the man who played a part in my creation. He’ll never read it, but writing it was somewhat cathartic.
Dear Dad,
You’ve never wanted me in your life and I’ve never been 100% sure why
When I was fifteen, I began searching for you online
I felt incomplete, like I was only half a person. Who was I?
I found your brother and eventually, you found me
You found me with a text and I finally felt like I could be a real person
In your text, you claimed you wanted to meet me and I
The naive eighteen year old who wanted to see the good in everyone
Believed you. I thought that this admission was the happiest day of my life
If only I could have seen the path you would send me hurtling down
You texted me, on the day of the Royal Wedding actually,
Saying that you’d changed your mind and that actually, no, you didn’t want to meet me
Me, your only child, the child who had pined after you her whole life
And it was that day that I took my first tentative steps upon a four year path
A long and lonely path paved in self-loathing and self-harm
I would look at my reflection in the mirror, so utterly confused
I would desperately search for whatever it was that was so fucking wrong with me
That even my own father didn’t want to meet me
I couldn’t see anything external, so I figured it was internal
And took up a razor to try and dig the rot out from inside of me
Some years passed and after a trip to A&E to patch me up
I realised that I needed help and after a cocktail of antidepressants
And trips to various counselors, I began to wonder if the problem wasn’t me
But you?
When I was 22, I bagged the job of a lifetime. I was going to Japan!
Two weeks before I left, your wife added me on Facebook
And informed me that you had both come to the decision that actually
Yes, you did want me in your life. How fucking honoured did I feel?
Well, sarcasm is all well and good now, but again, hope was kindled in my heart
Maybe I wasn’t so bad after all and maybe you would accept me
We met at the local supermarket and you had your wife in tow
She created a scene in the car park, saying how my “body language” showed
That I didn’t want to meet her, but how I actually wanted to meet you
Wow, she’s a bright one your wife, isn’t she?
Regardless, I felt embarrassed, I’d already fucked up
You bought me a watery hot chocolate from the cafe
And when I quietly suggested maybe meeting or chatting once a month
You paused for a moment and said “Hmm I could live with that.”
We met once more before I flew out to Japan, this time in a nicer coffee shop
You talked continuously about yourself and then left
That was the last time I saw you and your last text was a couple of weeks later
I didn’t take up the razor this time, though
I didn’t search my reflection for something that wasn’t there
Sure, I still get the odd moment of doubt surging through my brain
Especially when I meet or talk to new people
If my own dad doesn’t like me, what chance do I have with other people?
But I’ve come to accept that the problem is you and that
I am a whole person with or without you in my life
You gave me life but your opinion of me doesn’t define me.
Yours sincerely,
Jazz
Sending you virtual hugs Jazz……..
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Thank you ❤ ❤
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Well, apart from you using the word ‘sarcasm ‘ in the post there’s not a damn sarcastic thing I can write about this!
Really meaningful and poignant post.
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Thank you 🙂 I was wondering if it was a bit much to share but I figured why the hell not. It’s my blog and if I can’t share my true feelings here, where can I? Thank you for reading 🙂
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I wouldn’t say it was too much to share, write what you want ‘your blog, your rules’.😀
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*I like your current mindset about the whole situation. You’re whole, with or without him there to be a dad.
❤
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Thank you ❤ I was hoping my current mindset would shine through towards the end, to show I no longer care what he thinks. Thank you for reading ❤
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You’re always welcome Jazz ❤
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How have things been with you? 🙂 Hope you’re looking after yourself!
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Well I’m alright.
Been seeing the pictures of you and your friend on the gram…Am I allowed to say you look good together?
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Haha of course! Thank you 😀 We’re just friends, though 🙂
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This was so honest and powerful. I applaud you so much for both writing and sharing it.
In a lot of ways I can relate. My dad is not a good human being. I realised this more and more the older I got but felt obliged to try and make him happy no matter how much he hurt me or let me down because of blood ties. Eventually I accepted that I owed him nothing and chose not to have him in my life anymore. We’ve had zero contact for probably about 6 years or so now, and I’m so much better for it, so please don’t ever feel incomplete. Family comes in all shapes and sizes, and the people who love you and are there for you outweigh any absences from those who don’t deserve your time or effort.
Once again, hats off to you. I wish you every happiness 😊❤️
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Thank you for reading it 🙂 I was wondering if it was too personal, but what would be the point of writing if it didn’t have something of a personal touch to it?
I’m sorry to hear that your relationship with your dad wasn’t good either 😦 You’re right, blood ties can make you feel obligated to keep trying with someone, no matter what they put you through. I’m so pleased you made the decision to cut contact with him, though. Family or not, no one has the right to mistreat you. Life’s too short to focus on the people who don’t really care. As you rightfully say, it’s the people who love you and are there for you that outweigh the absence of those who don’t deserve your time or effort. ‘Dad’ is just a word. It’s a person’s actions that define it whether or not they’re biologically your father!
Thank you, and you too ❤ ❤
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I couldn’t agree more. True family is about how you treat someone, not biology.
I think it’s great you made it so personal; I’m sure lots more people will be able to relate to it than you think and will appreciate the honesty of it. The more we all feel we can be honest about how we feel, the better! 😊
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I like the way your present mindset. You are whole, with or without him. ❤
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He didn’t deserve to have you in his life. Never feel like you’re less than whole because of him. Your grandparents were your parents. 💖
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Thank you, Sarah ❤ That means a lot ❤ ❤
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Always.
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No words my dearest friends ❤ Sometimes people are just broken, and in this case it is certainly not you. You deserve all of the love. Today I celebrate you.
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Thank you ❤ The feedback I've received on this post has really touched me. For so long, I've felt unable to talk about my feelings regarding my dad and it's been a relief to finally open up about it. Thank you for your lovely, kind words ❤ ❤ ❤
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I have a similar relationship with my father, and this made me feel a little less alone ❤
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I’m so happy this made you feel less alone ❤ It's difficult growing up without a dad, especially when those around you talk about the fun weekends they had with their dad. But I wanted to post this to assure people in a similar situation that 'dad' is just a word. It's what a person does that defines it, even if they're not biologically your father ❤
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Reading this made me so sad, my own father left when I was 3, and while our stories are a little different, they’re similar in a lot of ways. I can tell you, speaking from someone who understands, you are so very very strong. Far stronger than he’ll ever be.
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Thank you for your kindness and words of support ❤ I was worried initially about posting something so personal, but it's been beyond comforting to know that there are others out there who understand what it is to have a strained parental relationship and not only that, but to have gotten through it and emerged stronger for it ❤
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It’s always hard to get personal. I don’t do it often either, but I imagine it’s also a relief too. Just to let it out and feeling support.
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Well, f#ck… This kind of ripped me to bits!
I think you’re mega for sharing this very personal story and know this- (like I said in my last comment) you can be proud of yourself 100%!
I haven’t met a more fantastic young woman: intelligent, well-spoken, kind and funny … and you have good taste in music 😉 (ps! I’m Estonian, I don’t give out personal compliments lightly!) and whoever isn’t in your life is simply losing out! Lots of love! ❤ ❤ ❤
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Thank you so, so, so much for your sweet words ❤ It's people like you that make me realise that's it not always the blood ties that matter, but the friendship ties. They say can you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and I'm blessed to have been able to choose some fantastic ones ❤
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❤ All the love!
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❤❤❤❤
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❤ ❤ ❤
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This is very powerful and meaningful. Great job.
Wishing you all the best happiness.
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Thank you so much 😀
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Thank you for this post. I think I’m going to see if my 17-year-old daughter wants to read it. I think it could help her. As a mother I have tried to be all I can to replace his part that’s missing. But I know those feelings go deep.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I think you are such a strong person and anyone is lucky to have you in their life . Thank you so much for sharing.
Sending you loads of big hugs.
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Thank you so much for reading ❤ I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is in a similar situation. By all means, show her this letter if you feel it might offer some comfort. I was around the same age as your daughter when this all began and it was probably one of the most difficult points in my life. When you're young, you can really focus – focus too much, in fact – on the people who AREN'T there, as opposed to the people who are and I hope that as your daughter gets older, she'll realize that she hasn't missed out on any love or happiness by not having her father in her life. Sending you both so much love ❤
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