I need to vent

~ Jazz

I think I’m having an existential crisis.

I came back from Japan filled with dreams and ambition. I stepped off that plane and smiled as I thought about the upcoming months; a month or two with my family, catching up while I applied for jobs in publishing houses down in London.

Nearing a year on, it’s apparent things haven’t gone quite to plan. Words cannot even describe the unhappiness I feel in my current job (I work in a hotel). My applications to publishing houses were either unanswered or replied to with a “You haven’t got enough experience.” (Just how much experience do you need for an ‘entry level’ role?) On top of that, most of my friends live elsewhere and I miss them so fucking much. Seeing them is difficult when we all work different shifts or haven’t the funds to travel.

So, I decided to jump back into teaching. I recently completed a 120 hour TEFL qualification, which I’m super happy and proud about. I’ve been applying for a number of jobs, both in the UK and overseas.

However, a lot of roles within the UK (which are the ones I want to apply for), require me to undertake either a CELTA certificate or a MA. I’ve been talking with my family about doing the latter but it scares me. I’m 24 years old. So many people I went to school with are getting married and having kids and I’m not (not that I want to yet admittedly). I feel like I should have my life together and I don’t 😦 I’m scared people look at me and think I’m pathetic because I still live at home and haven’t made a career for myself yet.

I know it’s probably just me being overly anxious, but I feel like I’m getting old and need to  be already be sorted with everything 😦

I need a hug 😦 And maybe some chocolate.

Published by Jazz

Bookworm. Writer. Tea addict.

20 thoughts on “I need to vent”

  1. Aww Jazz. First off, imagine me giving you a hugge bear hug, and then, some chocolate. I’ll give you vanilla if I was there so I’ll be able to steal it but well, I’m not, so I’ll grant you what you want and give you chocolate.
    Start taking large chunks of it as you read this.
    I know it isn’t easy being 24 and feeling like your life is messed up and nothing seems to work out. When it feels like every damned person is out making a life for themselves and you’re still at your parents house, working at a hotel.
    With the little experience I’ve had with things, the best thing is to accept where you are, but work to move some where higher. Now, I’m not saying you should get comfortable with where you are at right Now. I’m saying you should make the best of now, and work for a better future. Try not to think too much of the misery you feel, and try to think about the little aspects of things (job, home, friends…) that makes you happy.
    Might not be easy, but try it. Try to focus on the little aspects that put your mind off the things you don’t like about where you are now, but at the same time try to get to a better place.
    Some times jobs seem to act so impossible, and it seems like every other person is one step higher than you so you can’t be in the position, but try to hope for the best. Hope for the best, and believe that everything would work out. At the same time, remember things won’t work out it self.
    As soon as you’re done with the chocolate, get your ass up and begin thinking strategies… Have a game plan.
    Hope.

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    1. Aww Esther, thank you for your sweet words 💜 We can definitely share the chocolate 😛

      I’m definitely trying to work for higher. I keep telling myself “This is temporary, this is just a stepping stone onto better things!” but I just get so downhearted when I see I’ve gotten no replies to my job applications, or can’t find what it is that I’m looking for.

      I shall try to focus on the positives of the present, though 🙂 Maybe that will make things more bearable! Perhaps I should do a gratitude challenge! I did one last year for a month. Maybe it might help.

      I finish work at two tomorrow so the afternoon will be spent thinking of strategies 🙂

      Thank you again 💜

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  2. I know how you feel. I never had the kind of job I wanted when I worked, but I was lucky enough to have a great boss and team to work with the last few months before my PTSD overtook my life. You might not have a perfect job or career, but what matters is figuring out what really inspires you. Is it teaching? Or is that maybe a means to another end? Working in the literary publishing world is intense, and from what I understand, incredibly stressful. You don’t have to follow the norms of other people your age, and, if they are really friends, they won’t mind what you’re doing as long as you’re happy. Have some hugs and chocolate. 😊

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    1. It’s good that you had a supportive team and boss. I think that definitely helps, even in the worst of jobs. Unfortunately with my job at the moment, I don’t really ‘connect’ with anyone and always feel like the odd one out.

      Teaching is something I enjoy, but it’s definitely not my long term goal. My long term goal is to be a writer, but I know that’s incredibly difficult without work on the side. Teaching’s hopefully going to be that work. I enjoy it, I know I can do it and it’s a way of meeting interesting people.

      You’re right about the publishing. I’ve heard that too and truth be told, my main reason for wanting to do it is because I love books. Maybe it’s good that I didn’t get a job in that field. Maybe it was some sort of ‘divine’ intervention because the stress would have probably killed my love for reading.

      Thank you for your thoughts and kindness 💜 I sometimes work myself into these panicked States and just vent.

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      1. No worries. I understand. One thing I’ve noticed is that people who don’t carry a lot of debt and those willing to cut back on expenses don’t need to have higher paying jobs, especially if you are able to make money was a writer at the same time.

        There’s tons of possibilities on services you could offer as a reader and writer, and if reading and writing is what you truly enjoy, then as you grow, you might end up making that money you need to live by doing your passion.

        For instance, you’re an avid reader, and you know your genres. Newbie writers can potentially pay for services for in-depth feedback (as if you’re a beta reader, instead of just reading for the pleasure of it,this would, of course, remain free) in a wide array of areas (book covers compared to the competition, the content vs, competition, etc. suggestions on changes of confusing areas, etc.), or maybe editing, if you have experience with it. Then keep reading for fun, only the books you truly want to read (because if it’s not fun, you won’t want to keep doing it). At the same time, you’re blogging about your love of books, and you can share some overviews of the things that really stand out to you as great content.

        Write at the same time (blogging counts, to an extent, but I’m guessing you’re aspiring to complete a novel), perhaps chronicling your journey of how you made it from start to finish will be a popular addition to other writers trying to figure out how to finish their own books (giving people just enough to wet their toes on your blog will further drive them to make that purchase). Plus, if you share bits of your writing, or offer a free story with a newsletter or as a download, you would give people a little sneak at your fiction skills, driving them to purchase that novel you’ve released.

        Theres lots of potentials to work towards that won’t leave you reliant on teaching if that’s not enough of a passion for you. 😊

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      2. Thank you so much for your brilliant suggestions! Reading and writing are my true passions, but I didn’t realize either of them held potential for a possible career.

        I decided that 2017 will be the year I get a first draft of a full-length novel completed. I’m currently in the process of planning characters and creating settings, so perhaps something like a separate blog to chronicle my journey would keep me motivated 😀

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  3. I feel you Jazz, I feel you.

    You don’t need to have anything sorted right now. You’re young and talented and you’ve got that TEFL now, so you are going places whether it feels that way or not. This phase will pass. Keep your head up! You are a goddess, remember?! 🙂

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    1. Thank you, babydoll 💜 You’re right, I am young! I think (no, scrap that. I know!) that I spend too much time comparing my life to other people’s. I hope the phase passes soon. Think I’m beginning to panic because it’s nearly a year since we returned from Japan and in May it’ll be a year since I joined the hotel ;(

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      1. I understand why that may be panic inducing. I’m feeling it a little, too. But we have so many more good things to come, this is just a temporary down period for us. We can write all about our struggles over the past year when we start producing our next album!

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  4. Jazz, Jazz, Jazz ❤ The biggest hugs!

    So I am older than you obviously, but as I read this I am relating so well. I can remember this stage of my life. I began to question everything. I was challenging where I was versus where I thought I wanted to be. And I do say thought. I am going to tell you a secret:

    In my mid 20s I felt like I was going to have a meltdown. I saw what everyone else was doing and began to shift gears. I felt like I was not where I needed to be. So I had my kids and picked a career. I took the road I wanted.

    Then something happened, I hit 30. Haha, I decided to give up everything I know and start over! Well, except the kids. They are kind of cute and grow on you 😉

    The point is, maybe you are worrying too much about where you feel you should be and not so much about where you want to be. That old saying "It is never too late" holds some actual truth. You are much younger in your 20s than you feel. Trust me, I know that now. But it is a challenging place to be. You are trying to make you way as an adult. It can suck haha.

    I think you have taken some huge steps and are very responsible. I think it does not matter that you live at home or do not have those other things. You do not for very good reasons. You went to Japan! Do you know how hard the things you have accomplished can be even for someone my age. I would be terrified.

    Breathe and think for a bit. I am willing to wager that when you figure out what you want the most, you will go for it, knock it out of the park, and several years from now look back and decide you made the right choice!

    Hugs and Chocolates ❤

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    1. Thank you for your words of encouragement ❤ That is exactly what I'm doing. I'm challenging where I am – in my home town, living with my family and working a job I hate – to where I think I should be – in a career, in my own place, possibly in a relationship. I have this awful habit of comparing my life to the lives of those I went to school with. A lot of people are settled down with kids, have their own houses, have two cars etc and I worry that I'm the odd one out and that there's something wrong with me because I don't have those things yet. The rational part of me (which is tiny, to be honest :P) tells me not to worry because it's simply a case of us choosing different paths and that's okay.

      I'm definitely worrying too much about where I feel I should be. I think some of it is down to the fact I turn 25 later this year. A friend of mine was saying it's quite common to get these feelings when you hit an age that ends in 5 or 0. You're right, though. I am much younger than I feel. Again, that tiny rational side reminds me every now and then that I've only been an adult for 6 years. In the grand scheme of things, that's no time at all. I guess I have time for everything else yet 🙂

      Thank you for your kindness and encouragement ❤ Seeing my situation from your perspective has made me see that I'm not abnormal. I've just taken a different route and done other things so far, that's all. I hope I'll be able to figure out what is I want to do soon. In the meantime, though, I'll try relax a bit and remind myself that my present situation is temporary.

      Thank you again ❤

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      1. Your friend may be right about the 0s and 5s. 30 was the big one for me. I continue to take more courses and change my mind when I feel like it haha. You will definitely figure out the best course. You are wise beyond your years ❤

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      2. And that’s the best way to be! Taking measures to continually increase your knowledge broadens your horizons. I hope this will be one day. I’ve had my eye on so many courses over the past couple of years but have never had the guts to sign up for them, believing I should find my ‘niche’. I enjoy so many things – reading, writing, holistic therapies etc – and I just want to do them all 😛

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      3. Some many things. So little time ❤ That is why we must live for the now 🙂 I could never figure this out until last year when they found my lesion haha. Luckily it turned out to be benign 😉 Just a pain my royal behind haha. But it taught me a few lessons I needed to learn real quick ❤

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  5. I just randomly foud this and needed to comment. I sononow where you are coming from. I travelled last year and then when I got home it was all going to be different. I’m a journlism student and i keep getting knocked back for internships etc…everyone i know is getting married or having kids and here i am, 28 years old living at hone with seemily unattainable dreams….
    Life is hard today.
    Will try again tomorrow tho and I guess that ia what matters. Its nice knowing I’m not the only who thinks like this.
    Shani 🙂

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    2. It’s disheartening, isn’t it? 😦 I’m pleased that you’ve kept a positive attitude about your situation, though. Tomorrow is a brand new day and things will hopefully be different 🙂 You only fail if you give up!

      It was a year to the day yesterday since I returned from my year in Japan and while I’m not where I want to be, I guess I’m where I need to be. I applied for grad school and that doesn’t begin until September. Until then, I’m gonna carry on living at home and carry on working my shitty job; I’m seeing it as a means to an end. I’m saving up money to fund both my studies and my eventual move. That thought makes me feel somewhat positive, at least.

      Our current situations are just that; current. They’re stepping stones onto bigger and better things ❤ Thank you for your reply. It's always nice to know I'm not alone ❤

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