Check out my review for Ares here!
*literally jumping up and down in excitement* Okay, okay, I know I’ve been a shit matchmaker these past couple of weeks but…hey, don’t look at me like that! I’m not just I swoon over fictional, non-human men’s resident matchmaker. I also work in a hotel that’s currently embroiled in its most chaotic season of the year! So, yeah *sighs dramatically and flops down on your sofa* Cut me some slack! Anyway, before you rudely interrupted me, I was about to talk about tonight’s date…which *pauses for dramatic effect* is with an actual god. I’m trying to think here *frowns and taps chin thoughtfully, again for nothing more than dramatic effect* Have you ever dated a god? Guardians of the gods? Yup, can check that one off. A wannabe god? *shudders* Yeeeeeah, can definitely check that one off.
Nope! Ares is gonna be your first god date! *squeals and throws glitter in your face* Hey, heeeeeeey! Don’t shout at me! I was just trying to help! I wanted to make you look all ethereal and goddess-like and shit! Forget himations (ancient Greek equivalent of a toga) and laurel wreaths balanced on your head. Only glitter can bestow you with true goddess status *throws more glitter at you* Trust me, babe. I’m an expert.
So, before Ares arrives – oh lord, how is he gonna arrive? Is he gonna teleport? Is he going to rock up on his motorbike!? – let me tell you what to expect. Date nights with Ares (a freaking god) will probably/definitely include:
- Being babysat by one of his brothers while he goes to open the gate to the Underworld. Not a great start to the date admittedly, but hey, most of his brothers are tame. Maybe you’ll get Calistos *swoons*
- Ordering pizza upon his return and watching movies while you eat.
- A spontaneous trip to Tuscany. The teleporting (or stepping as Ares and his brothers call it) will make you feel a bit queasy, though, so take it easy with the pizza! Nothing quite tarnishes your image like vomiting on a god. I mean, I assume anyway. Never actually dated one *shouts* Sorry, Illium!
- Spontaneous trip to Tokyo for a meeting regarding the world’s impending destruction. It’ll be awkward being surrounded by so many hulking, brooding gods but hey, at least they make good eye candy.
- Stepping back to Tuscany (actually, don’t eat any pizza)
- Ares giving you motorbike lessons along Tuscany’s cute, winding country roads, past countless vineyards and beneath the warming glow of the setting sun.
- A Hades-induced earthquake at some point *chuckles* Man, that god is so easily offended *screams as the ground shakes and begins to open up* I take it back, I take it back!
- Yet another meeting with his brothers, this time in Ares’ apartment. I swear half of Ares’ actual book is just him and his brothers having meetings.
- Possibly being attacked by a daemon.
- Ending the night by finally eating your now-cold pizza and snuggling in bed with Ares.
Daemons and earthquakes aside, you’re gonna have a fabulous time! *blows you a kiss as we hear a motorbike purr to a stop outside* I won’t wait up for you *winks in the most unsubtle of ways*