Check out my review for Ares here!

*literally jumping up and down in excitement* Okay, okay, I know I’ve been a shit matchmaker these past couple of weeks but…hey, don’t look at me like that! I’m not just I swoon over fictional, non-human men’s resident matchmaker. I also work in a hotel that’s currently embroiled in its most chaotic season of the year! So, yeah *sighs dramatically and flops down on your sofa* Cut me some slack! Anyway, before you rudely interrupted me, I was about to talk about tonight’s date…which *pauses for dramatic effect* is with an actual god. I’m trying to think here *frowns and taps chin thoughtfully, again for nothing more than dramatic effect* Have you ever dated a god? Guardians of the gods? Yup, can check that one off. A wannabe god? *shudders* Yeeeeeah, can definitely check that one off.

Nope! Ares is gonna be your first god date! *squeals and throws glitter in your face* Hey, heeeeeeey! Don’t shout at me! I was just trying to help! I wanted to make you look all ethereal and goddess-like and shit! Forget himations (ancient Greek equivalent of a toga) and laurel wreaths balanced on your head. Only glitter can bestow you with true goddess status *throws more glitter at you* Trust me, babe. I’m an expert.

So, before Ares arrives – oh lord, how is he gonna arrive? Is he gonna teleport? Is he going to rock up on his motorbike!? – let me tell you what to expect. Date nights with Ares (a freaking god) will probably/definitely include:

  1. Being babysat by one of his brothers while he goes to open the gate to the Underworld. Not a great start to the date admittedly, but hey, most of his brothers are tame. Maybe you’ll get Calistos *swoons*
  2. Ordering pizza upon his return and watching movies while you eat.
  3. A spontaneous trip to Tuscany. The teleporting (or stepping as Ares and his brothers call it) will make you feel a bit queasy, though, so take it easy with the pizza! Nothing quite tarnishes your image like vomiting on a god. I mean, I assume anyway. Never actually dated one *shouts* Sorry, Illium!
  4. Spontaneous trip to Tokyo for a meeting regarding the world’s impending destruction. It’ll be awkward being surrounded by so many hulking, brooding gods but hey, at least they make good eye candy.
  5. Stepping back to Tuscany (actually, don’t eat any pizza)
  6. Ares giving you motorbike lessons along Tuscany’s cute, winding country roads, past countless vineyards and beneath the warming glow of the setting sun.
  7. A Hades-induced earthquake at some point *chuckles* Man, that god is so easily offended *screams as the ground shakes and begins to open up* I take it back, I take it back!
  8. Yet another meeting with his brothers, this time in Ares’ apartment. I swear half of Ares’ actual book is just him and his brothers having meetings.
  9. Possibly being attacked by a daemon.
  10. Ending the night by finally eating your now-cold pizza and snuggling in bed with Ares.

Daemons and earthquakes aside, you’re gonna have a fabulous time! *blows you a kiss as we hear a motorbike purr to a stop outside* I won’t wait up for you *winks in the most unsubtle of ways*