*peeks up from my copy of Archangel’s Blade and throws you the deadliest glare I can muster* You know why I’ve been giving you the silent treatment, right? Right!? Couldn’t you have just shacked up with Dev and been content with a life of ‘protective custody’? Couldn’t you have just, like, left sweet Bastian for me? Everyone wants me to hook them up with hot guys but does anyone ever stop and ask would Jazz like to be hooked up with said hot guys? Hm? Hmmm!? No, of course they don’t. Eugh. My I swoon over fictional, non-human men contract forbids it *grabs my tea and angrily slurps it* Jeez, just hurry up and settle down so I can pursue Illium already! I’ll even pay for your freaking wedding! Just choose someone dammit!

Well, Bastian – ahem, sorry, Sebastian. Gotta remember that name’s reserved for those closest to him *death glare intensifies* Yeah, he’s gonna arrive in half an hour or so. I spoke briefly on the phone to I.S.O.F.N.H.M HQ and they said he requested some pre-drinks before you guys headed out for dinner so I kindly stocked the fridge with blood. Dude, you can even tell him it was you who traipsed from butcher shop to butcher shop, pleading for a cup or seven of blood. You can tell him it was you who got dragged away by police for being a “public menace”. He’ll be well and truly enamored  of you. See how selfless I am? See how kind? Maybe you should reward my selflessness and kindness by, I dunno, committing to one of these guys!

*slaps self on the cheek* Jazz, get a grip! Do your job, woman! Yeah *takes another angry slurp of tea* Let’s begin the pre-date prep. So, date nights with Sebastian will probably/definitely include:

  1. Sebastian being horrified by your choice of short (albeit lovely) dress. 300 years of self-imposed isolation means he’s a bit behind on the times…
  2. Him stooping down to kiss your cheek. No second base until after dinner at least. True gentleman this man I’m telling ya.
  3. Being traced to one of his favorite restaurants in London. He will have planned ahead so it’ll be a private room with sun-proofed curtains.
  4. Being traced back here so eat light. Tracing takes some getting used to and it would just be awful to vomit all over yourself. If that happened I would have to, like, take your place on the date.
  5. Being taken late night shopping.
  6. Heading home afterwards and watching some of the classic movies Sebastian missed while holed up in his castle.
  7. Playing some of your favorite music and getting a shy Sebastian to dance with you.
  8. Staying out of a jealous Jazz’s way.
  9. Realizing you’re not his Bride after a quick glance at his crotch.
  10. Snuggling down anyway with Netflix and literal chill.

*sighs* Well, have fun. You may have Sebastian…but if you so much as glance in my Bluebell’s direction, there’ll be hell to pay. There. A compromise, right? *doorbell sounds* See ya later *blows you a kiss*