Here’s the much anticipated guest review written by non other than my wonderful best friend, Pooky! Not only is he an awesome guy, he also has a knack for writing reviews and not going off on long rants (*cough* Which I totally don’t do *cough*) Enjoy!
I really wanted Fire and Ice: M/M Gay Dragon Shifter Paranormal Romance, by Apollo Surge, to be good. Honest. I did. I mean, I didn’t so much expect it to be good, or anything – how could it be with a title like that? – but I wanted it to be. Hell, in my anticipation, I even drew myself a bubble bath within which to start reading. But instead of swooning, fantasizing or touching myself amidst the bubbles, I only read and laughed. The problem is this: it ended very quickly, before my bathwater even had time to grow cold, and it did many an embarrassing thing while it lasted.
The story opens with the narrator introducing dragon-shifters, ice dragons who can morph into human forms for some reason. They have a good relationship with the humans, henceforth known as the dirty non-shifters, until the non-shifters move in to eradicate the dragons for slightly unclear reasons. This happens quickly, mundanely. During this eradication, the king of the dragon people is murdered in front of his son, Azuris.
Oh, boy. Here’s a chance to create some real emotion and angst, right? So. What does this king have to say to his child? What tear jerking magic does Apollo Surge mean to conjure? “Fear has taken the minds of the humans…and they will not listen to us. Their fear has caused them to act irrationally, and they have resorted to violence…” Ah.
I wish more characters would analyse their enemies’ motivations in broad, boring strokes like this! Who cares if it’s dull and unmemorable? It’s natural, goddammit, and that’s what – wait, what? Oh. No, you’re right. This isn’t natural at all! The natural thing in this situation would be to cry from your unbearable sadness and regret, to scream and gurgle uncontrollably in pain; to tell your child to run, if you have the breath to do so, or to tell them that you’re sorry for what’s happening; to chant ominously about how you can see angels or demons floating before your eyes, coming to claim you, because, hey, you’re dying. Any of these behaviours would be more natural than the psychology lecture given here.
I assume. I mean, I’ve never died?
Anyway. The king’s child, Azuris, flees and through crappy book montage he grows older. Meanwhile, with the help of a “magic blacksmith” who appears for one paragraph and one paragraph only, Azuris claims an item that allows him to remain in his human form for as long as he desires. This is important because, normally, it would expend a lot of Azuris’ energy to stay in human form, but with this tool he can pretend to be a dirty non-shifter for as long as he desires, thus avoiding detection. I feel like the book could have been more suspenseful and interesting had this item never existed, but whatever. I’m sure Apollo Surge knows better than me.
Having been granted the ability to wander as a human forever, Azuris travels to a place called Parallel forest and is attacked there by wolves. He is saved by a handsome man, though, who calls Azuris “Kid” and takes him, semi against his will, to a nearby town. “They entered the town of Aramore, population 70,000…” the narrator says, somehow confusing a statistic for something that the reader might give a shit about. The pair go to an inn for the night and get adjoining rooms. The handsome man, also known as Robin, tells Azuris not to be scared because he won’t hurt him. Well, that’s reassuring. I’m sure he won’t do anything weird or threatening tonight! Azuris goes to sleep. “Robin couldn’t help but peek in on the beautiful Azuris as he slept,” and stay there for an alarming amount of time, stooped down by Azuris face, examining him.
Hey, now. There’s a reason you got adjoining rooms, Robin. Stay on your side!
Azuris leaves the following morning on his own because he doesn’t trust the non-shifter. The non-shifter follows him, though, barely giving Azuris a page of personal space before they are reunited. They get on a train together and start to pretend that they have chemistry. It’s actually quite interesting to watch. It’s like the growing relationship between a puppy and a tree that he wants to pee on. You understand the puppy’s attraction. You don’t care much either way, though, about what happens, and you’re pretty sure that the tree doesn’t, either.
When Robin falls asleep, having worn himself out from all of his excitable yapping, Azuris goes to get some food elsewhere on the train. He eats a meal, and on his way back to his seat is grabbed by a dirty non-shifter from behind. This non-shifter begins to, um, wank Azuris off. Azuris, instead of screaming or getting the attention of anybody else, starts to fantasize about Robin. He doesn’t really understand what’s going on, though, because he has the sexual understanding of a six year old whose parents and entire tribe were killed before they could give him a sexual education lesson, so it’s hard to say how Azuris is feeling about all of this. Azuris ejaculates, at any rate, which my vast experience of sitcoms tells me is a happy ending, so no harm done. At this stage, Robin finds Azuris and takes him back to their seats.
They soon disembark from the train and head to another inn. Here, Robin wants to make Azuris his. “Please let me be your mate…” he says. Azuris gives the go ahead and they get to it. Robin admires Azuris’ feminine chest, named as such because it’s covered in vaginas, probably. Robin whets Azuris’ appetite with such classically romantic lines as, “Your pre-cum is so thick,” and “It will be painful. Are you sure you can endure it?” Meanwhile, Azuris confesses, “I know my body isn’t a woman’s but…But I can still bear children!” and “Mama always told me that when I found a mate I was truly in love with, we would produce babies…”
Robin, skipping the ‘one finger, two finger, three finger,’ approach, presses up against Azuris’ entrance unlubricated and unconcerned, ready to fill him “up to the brim.” They have butt sex, in a kind of vanilla way, with absolutely no dragon positions or super sexual stamina to speak of. However, Robin does continue his stream of romantic one liners, which are almost too good for this world, so the scene remains entertaining. “I’ll fill you up nice and good until your belly is full,” he assures.
Man, I can’t wait to get that line printed on a T-shirt. Then everyone will know how sensitive I am.
We skip forward seven months in time, once they have finished, and learn in passing that Azuris has gone through lots of mood swings and stuff, but mighty Robin has stayed by his side anyway. What a hero. They find an excitable doctor to handle the labour when the time comes and Azuris gives birth to a baby girl, “who was small and squishy, as most babies were.” Thanks for that insight, Mr Surge!
The most disappointing part of this story is that we don’t learn which hole the baby came out of, here. I was really looking forward to that anatomy lesson. What do you think is most likely? That the baby came out of Azuris’ butthole or that the baby came out of Azuris’ dick hole? Personally, I’d put my money on one of his chest vaginas. You’ve gotta read between the lines, ladies and gentlemen. It’s all in the subtext.
Anyway. More time passes, and Robin and their child, Arina, fly around on Gay Dragon Azuris to visit Azuris’ childhood home. They are spotted by the non-shifters who exterminated the dragons back in chapter one, and then the story ends, not so much setting up a sequel as it is stopping the story a quarter of the way through.
So there we have it. That was Fire and Ice: M/M Gay Dragon Shifter Paranormal Romance. That was Apollo Surge. The sex was about as arousing as watching grandma wash the dishes and the story was under-baked and disappointing. Shame. Maybe if it had gone through another draft and been examined by a half-decent editor, it could have been alright.
Come to think of it, Mr Apollo, I’m not doing anything right now. Do you want me to be your editor? Does anybody?
Somebody please give me a job!
Rating: 1 ejaculation out of 5